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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
XZanthia's LiveJournal:
| Thursday, October 1st, 2009 | | 10:10 am |
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| Wednesday, May 27th, 2009 | | 10:34 pm |
I put a Spell on you, but I spelled it wrong…
I put a Spell on you, but I spelled it wrong… So it did not work.. So I guess that being a witch is out.. LOL.. I have friends constantly telling me that I need spell check, but you should see it before I run it through Microsoft word! Lol.. and many people send me very rude letters saying how ignorant I come off because of my spelling. It really sucks. I have too many thoughts to run past a proof reader. They are to much, to often, to fast flowing. This could be a full time job! LOL.. Perhaps I do need someone.. hmm.. any of you volunteer? I really do not want to come of ignorant, that is not my intention at all. My excuse is that I was mainly homeless with my mom till age 11. No time for school. I have spent the years after playing catch-up. |
| 12:03 pm |
Green Lights and Red Flags
Green Lights and Red Flags I am at a new part of my life. I truly feel the edge of the cliff of my old life at my heels as I free fall into my new one. I am now beginning to see all my hard work and effort beguine to pay off. I can now see my life as chapters. Chapter 1 – (Birth – 11) “Childhood” - Living with my mom, traveling all over the country. Chapter 2 – (11 – 15) “Becoming” - Living with my father, finding who I am. Chapter 3 – (16 – 19) “Discovery / Depression” - Finding love, Dating, Growing into my own. Understanding people and there actions and reactions for the first time. Loosing myself in my thoughts and not knowing how to control the depth of which I go. Chapter 4 – (19 – 22) “Weakness / Freedom” – Understanding my needs and desires while still a victim to my weaknesses. Becoming the public identity of (XZanthia). Chapter 5 – (22 – 27) “Structure / Stability” – Living in Denver, Building the art community and gallery. Pulling together what it is that makes me tick. Seeing my path more clearly. Chapter 6 – (27 – 29) “Separation / Solitude” – Denying my human desires for fear of the heart. Hurt by people I retreated into my own world. Chapter 7 – (29 - ?) “Apprehension / Self Awareness” – wounds not healed, however willing to go back in the battle field believing I can win this war. Dating again. Loosing myself in relationships and rediscovering what I already knew. Becoming more productive and getting a better grasp on my passions. Chapter 7 (Continued) “Organization / Understanding” – Where I am at now is that I am starting to embrace who I am and what I am truly looking for. Understanding the act of will is only as strong as ones true desire. Living in the “Now”. Learning to let go, move forward, truly learn and better myself and better structure my future. Chapter 8 – (30s) “Converging” – I will hope to ether find my life partner or except that my life, like my parents will be full of 3 year relationships. Either way I would love to travel, study, be self sustaining and have a child. Chapter 9 – (40s) “Family / Adulthood” – What ever that is, LOL… I can feel that this is going to be a long blog. I have had a whole lot on my mind in the last week. It is as I think several thoughts at any given moment. Only when I show my mind enough to form them into constructive sentences to be translated by the public can I beguine to understand what I am truly thinking. Writing this way is a powerful way to know ones self, as well as having others understand you. And in there comments, you can understand them. But that is simply there public comments. Being that I choose to live my life in the open, I am vulnerable to much public criticism. O and I do get it. I am just as human as the next person, and I am judged for it behind my back. This is life and just the way people are. I accept this. There is a part of me, with every action, feel the paparazzi at my door. I can now read the headlines. I understood this when I was becoming a public Icon and I embrace the positive and negative sides. I am human and just want friends, want to understand and be understood, love and be loved. I need to be allowed to change and shift gears. I need to be understood as a true artist, and only then can I not let anyone down. In my time I have gathered many great friends on many different levels. Some breeze in and out with the passing wind, others stay by my side for years and others still come and go, but we never loose our connection. Forever connected. I feel forever bonded to everyone that touches my life in any kind of a substantial way. What I mean by this, anyone who takes the time to know me. It seems to start there. Then I reciprocate. With this I have had numerous men use “work” as a way to get close to me, becoming angry if I don’t choose them romantically. This hurts and angers me. They become harsh in words and actions, letters and blogs when I put my attention on anyone but them. Be it male or female, romantically or otherwise. This obsession is one of the big reasons why I stopped dating/seeing people all together. It least if I was abstinent it was not “them”. But now this year since I have been having the desire to feel love again, I am being punished by these men who have posed as my friends, just waiting for there chance with me. This bothers me a great deal, and I wish it not to be so. It does not matter that I do not flirt, speak openly on my level of interest on them or even if I digress from intense interaction friendship for fear of leading them on. Since I have been back in Florida I have been rediscovering who I am and what it is that I am looking for in this life. I have almost become 14 years old again, fearful of the fall but wanting to fly. I am sure that all of life is this way, this forever morphing orb of emotion and actions. Doors will forever be opened and closed, if we want them to or not. We will always have times of greatness and times of squallier. Acts of will are only as strong as ones true desire. Denying ones true desire for fear is not a action of will. Fear is there as a guideline, not a wall, life is a river with many twists and turns and although a 30 foot water fall could be just around the bend, it does not matter now, for we are enjoying the ride. And once you fall, there will always be calm waters ahead. Yes we know this, we are intellectual beings, but more then this we are emotional beings chemically addicted to sensation, be it positive or negative. Living in the eye, and being recognized is a lesser level to getting my work out there and being known as my name is beginning to carry weight. Having the look that I do publicly it attracts much attention, some desired, some not. However it all levels out. I understand that sex sells and if it weren’t for my looks it would be harder to get to where I am in my career. However it does come with its downfalls. This is why I have “Married” on my profile. As well as the constant statement of not being interested in romantic involvement. That is why I often find it strange when a couple put on there profile that they are single, it’s that they are keeping there options open. People believe that I am silly for using myspace stats to understand people and there intentions. But it is there public skin. It shows there true level of contentment. That is why even when single, I never put single on my profile. I do not want to be put on the market, even if I am truly on the market. I am not up for the highest bidder. I am not an idem, a trophy or a notch on a belt. I am a emotionally passionate person who’s driving force is love of all that this life has to offer without hurting those around me or myself. . I am only interested in a life partner, but how can I get one if I am afraid of dating. It like I want to become a fish but I am scared of the water. Well, my ruling planet is Venus. So I am ruled my love. My love for art, community, people and family as well as our earth and knowledge. I am immensely passionate and communicative. Powerful and intimidating. I am aware of who I am and my projected persona. I live in my head so much it is sometimes hard to understand those around me from who they really are and not the idea of them I made up to comfort me. Only with open communication, “no holds bar” without feeling or making others feel interrogated, can this come to a full and true understanding. Only when you totally understand a situation can you embrace it. I mean this in all of life. I feel it with the resort, My art, Career, Desires, Self awareness and love. It is strange how people react and how you react to them. It is strange how your narcissism can be your defeat. Your ego your downfall. Only when you submit yourself to the situation and become vulnerable, can you truly understand it for what it is, but when you show a hungry wolf your throat don’t be surprised if it takes the opportunity, it’s simply in the creatures nature. We must except this and still offer our selves to the pack in all our weakness, if they do not devour you, you become one of them and can run with the pack. When I, like so many bloggers, write, I can not be to personally directed towards any one subject or person. I must be vague but direct, not condescending but understood and in the same breath, I can more parse any one person or situation for the feelings of others as well as the change that could occur and most often will throughout life which makes one who writes passing thoughts and feelings seem like they are going back on there word. Emotions will blind us into submission. We will give in if we are not strong to understand and move through wide eyed and bushy tailed. Life is so beautiful, at ones the greatest gift and curse is our consciousness. Some of us are more awake to them selves as well as those around us. Others choose to live in a type of a fog, and kudos to them, I can’t do it, it does not desire me to do so. There is too much that this life has to offer to loose myself in drugs, emotion, happenstance and other people’s desires. Love life, live in the moment, live for the future, don’t let people brake you, forever move forward, learn not from only your mistakes but from the mistakes of others and don’t loose yourself in day-to-day bullshit that does not matter in the grand scheme of things. Be selfish, but in a freely open and giving way to all that touch you. We are born alone, and we die alone. We walk by the side of others during different times of our life, but perhaps we can never truly embrace someone, engulf them, become one in unity. We are forever two separate bodies and souls. Only connected by that which we desire to be connected on the level of our choosing. Only with communication and vibration can we ever hope to grasp what we truly desire. Be that on any level of love, life and happiness. One thing to say / read the words, another to embrace and follow. I am still working on convincing myself. |
| Friday, May 22nd, 2009 | | 8:53 am |
Going with the flow
Going with the flow May 22, 2009 It can be difficult to go with the flow, and not wish to fight the current, for you may fear the jagged rocks that may lay ahead, we all dream of calmer water, but life is a river, not a lake, and perhaps calmness is a dream to forever be unrealized. We are along with the ride if we like it or not, so we might as well enjoy it. I can start to feel myself getting back in gear, back in the groove, back in the needed pattern of things. It is the simple things that hold your life together and have it make sense. For me it’s eating consciously, exercising and doing yoga, being in and working with nature, having the time and ability to detail my body every morning. Studying and writing journal entries and Poetry. Doing art and having time to my self as well as time with people I care about. The last 2 weeks to a month has been a eye opening experience. As soon as you understand the path, there is a unexpected fork in the road. Cautiously we can choose to take this fork being fully aware of the positive and negative twists and turns it could hold. But being just as unsure of the path that you are on, and the silent promises of the unknown path beckon. I wish I had more discipline for my art. I really wish to complete more of it. However promotion of my resort and the events to bring artists out here seem to over power my time, as it is more of an addiction then a need. And I will defend it. The last week I have had my friend Alex here, he has been crashing in my office on the futon, so that has been keeping me from going in there every morning and starting on the internet, therefore sucking in my entire day. That has been a nice and needed change from what I have been at for the last week. I was on here every day from day brake till past midnight. Just getting through my comments can take all day. But I do not mind, as long as people do not become upset if it takes me days or weeks to get back to them. I hate to loose my life to the cyber world. Loving life, and longing for love, leaving loneliness, limiting lust and lighting the way to let in liberating living. |
| Friday, May 15th, 2009 | | 6:37 pm |
Life… Don’t tell Me about Life…
Life… Don’t tell Me about Life… That was to quote the depressed robot from "Hitch Hikers Guide From the Galaxy." Not that I am at all depressed, but I understand how he feels. A depressed robot, a mass intellect that just can’t get past the way he was programmed. This is a very complex thought and statement. Ponder that for a while. I have been very busy this week on the internet. I have been building Profiles to promote the community I am building as well as my own talents. I have not been spending much time checking Emails or Comments. I will get on that after this weekend. However I really want to continue painting more often. Today I made 3 more larger board box frames to paint new pieces. These are the largest that I have ever gone. It is time for me to take the next step. What is life without personal evolution? I have been a constant flow of poetic interruption. More thoughts then I even have the desire or time to stop and put to paper. I just write a poem about one recent / fleeting thought that I did have time to put down. “A Playful Distraction” – (WordPress) (Blogger). I am just now starting to understand how those two sites work. People are telling me that with the amount that I blog I should be on a Blogging Site. But with all the tings that I do I do not know if another Profile is what I need. LOL.. Looks like you cant even put a link or HTML in Blogger. WordPress looks cool. I will continue messing with both. I really like how you can categorize everything in WordPress. And people just hop around both those sites to read blogs. I like that. Get my insanity out to more people. ;) Before blogging or LiveJournal or any of that, I was an avid writer of my thoughts. I never went public, however I had considered publishing them. I am not a secretive or personal person. Most anything that I hold back is for the sake of other people. I don’t want to hurt anyone that reads my blogs by my actions or reactions in writing. The complexity of my thoughts only make sense when I stop and write them down. So this is mainly for me, however I do love that now because of the internet others can read and comment. This also gives those who care, some insight into who I am. More then the persona that they project on me from my image. The complexity of human emotion and thoughts is hard to confined in a mere article. For we are forever changing and different with every individual that we interact with. Well I know I am. Sometimes I am all wall, and sometimes all arms, but sometimes, a wall with arms. This next week I will try to go through all the mail that I can in my different profiles. I am trying to redirect most “useful” mail to my XZanthia@Gmail.com account and the “comments” to the comments on my page. I get so many.. well just men hitting on me. Which I am not interested and only makes me want to dig the hole that I crawled in a bit deeper. Once I get through all my mail, I then want to learn how to use Gmial more effectively as well as Googles other features. In the middle of all this I want to paint! I really need to paint! Aaa! But this computer is like crack! And I use it for my dose of human interaction being that I do not go out that often. A part of me would like to change that, then the other part is like.. why? Just today I received a shipment from a acquaintance in Denver of DVDs Documentary’s, like the ones that I have up on my MySpace Blog. I will be having LOTS OF Movie Nights at my resort coming up! Now off to another page of a internal rant. Crushes suck. I don’t like to have them, and I do not like it when my friends have them on me. I seem to crush on men that are wayyy intimidated by me, so they run. They may never known that I was interested, because I will not allow anything to manifest for a year or more of friendship. So time, I have time. But it seems that they don’t even want to make the time to get to know me. I am not saying that this happens often, cause really it doesn’t. Its not like I am always crushing on some dork, but it happens enough that it has been on my mind. My friends that crush on me, well I really try to let them down with honesty and kindness. If that does not work I become cold and hard. Often it seems as men never get the paint. Perhaps it is that same way in woman. But once one of my “dorks” show me that they are not interested, I move on. This has only ever happened 3 times by the way. I normally am to busy for crushes. LOL. I know I am a lot to handle, and the type of guy that I desire can not handle me, so it seems as I get with these, “player” type guys. Now I know that several of my X’s read this and I am sure I will get several Texts. So I put in this disclaimer so that perhaps I will not. I do not mean “Player” in a cold, mean sense of the word. Just can’t think of a better word for it. Someone that is more into self gratitude and the excitement of new things. This is not at all a bad thing. It just needs to be addressed and understood within the individuals and partnership. I have had several enlighten occurrences this past month that has made me a little more aware of myself, my feelings, my actions and reactions as well as my future. My father is showing me support as an artist and as part owner of the resort for the first time in my life. My father has always been hard on me. Using harsh words to brake me. Not being supportive and even not calling me for months-years when I was living in Denver. But now he is buying me art supplies, promoting and helping me. He believes in me. It is a strange feeling to have when being denied of it for so long. My X, whom I am still very good friends with, just got married. I was suppose to go to the wedding and I felt so bad that I was in Cali. They are in Mexico for there honeymoon and with this whole swine flue thing, I am worried. Ari getting marryed only truly hit me on any kind of emotional level when I was on my FaceBook posting to my friends when I clicked on his Wife’s profile. I have written her in the past week congratulating her. However this time her main photo was them kissing at the wedding. I am happy for him, I am happy he found love. I am happy he has moved on from me and cut his hair. I will always love him, just don’t feel the desire to be in a relationship with him. He has come to me several times asking. I have distanced myself from him to not mislead or hurt him. He is a great man, and will make her a great husband. With our connection I never figured out why I did not feel the desire to stay. It was my choice, and I am happy that he has moved on. But at the same time it hurts. He is my first X that has tied the knot. And he is one that I will forever be soul connected. I am desiring to write more often. I feel the need to create poetry, art and music. However I am feeling the desire to focus more then ever. I am almost 30 years old and in a kind of unfocused panic of desire to live up to my potential. So my father and I have been working on my goals. Placing them in order. Soon I will be putting all my progress in this up on my Blogs not only for me, but to help others better focus there life if they desire it to be so. Two of my female friends contacted me within four hours of each other upset that I was commenting there boyfriends on MySpace. They both wanted me to delete there boyfriends. Nether was being rude to me, or saying that I had intentions. One said that he was talking to me so that he can spy on her or get her mad, the other did not like seeing me on her mans profile with my modeling pix. I 100% would delete them if I could. But after 600,000 friends, I can no longer search people by there name or the first letter. I have felt lust. Nothing big, just enough to now know that I am single and a woman. Not sure if I would like to do anything about it, being that I know how my heart is connected to my intermit encounters. However I at times am bothered with this and I wish that I could enjoy life and another’s body without getting attached. This is very personal, however, if someone reads this long into a blog they deserve to know a bit more. ;) Well with that being said, and now I’m on the 3rd page on the Word Document that I created to bleed my thoughts to you, I feel as I will end with this… Life… Don’t tell Me about Life… |
| Thursday, May 14th, 2009 | | 9:26 am |
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| Wednesday, May 13th, 2009 | | 2:49 pm |
BANDS, DJS, ARTISTS, PERFORMERS and more needed - TAMPA
BANDS, DJS, ARTISTS, PERFORMERS and more needed for "Local Artists TV Show" FUNDRAISER. May 24th in Ybor City Tampa - (Arts on 9th) There is no Pay for this event however you will be featured on the TV show. We have shooting the TV show for the last year, channel UPN 44 and others are interested. We are looking for any type of "family friendly" artists and performers to come strut there stuff and show there talents for this event. Please call/Text me - 720 339 7502 XZanthia@Gmail.com |
| 10:39 am |
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| Tuesday, May 12th, 2009 | | 12:01 pm |
Organic Machines of Chemical Longing
Organic Machines of Chemical Longing It is hard to remain constant when human emotion and desires interfere. Be it if it was a word, action, hormones or just a thought. We change, we grow, we digress and with this we experience and learn. We are never who we are, for we are like the rolling ocean. A spiritual being of awareness and compassion. Those of us who have been hurt, or have seen pain, build a wall. When all we want is a door. A door that we are to scared to open. A door of endless possibilities, however the prospect of pain. So endlessly strong in thought, but thought, as a river changes shape, form and moves faster then we can comprehend. When we think we grasp it, it had changed. All we grasped was the quick passing glimpse of what was once there. I have experiences, as many of us do, the full scope of many of the feelings offered to these organic machines that we are observers from. Although I feel separate, as if I am outside watching someone else’s life, like in a movie, I can feel this characters emotions, for I have watched her grow, make choices, move on, be hurt, fall in love, abused and become strong and self assure. Keeping busy in actions and thoughts is a good way to pass the time. Being productive is desired and necessary. Relationships of any kind are both the greatest gift and curse, that we could ever want to involve ourselves in. We learn and grow as well as gain so much. Each step through companionship makes us more aware of the full scope of things, what we have to offer and what we desire of this life. It comes down to the chemical addictions that our brain creates and maintains as desires, longing and fear. Once you have traveled certain paths in life, there is no going back, once you have experienced, you are a changed person, forever. With each time you become a little more aware of yourself and those around you. There intent and desires of others, matched with your own. MYSPACE BLOG!!! - http://blogs.myspace.com/xzanthiaspersonalMy FACEBOOK - http://www.facebook.com/note.php?created&&suggest¬e_id=78947135913#/profile.php?id=566228671&ref=profileMy TWITTWR - http://twitter.com/XZanthiaMy WORDPRESS - http://xzanthia.wordpress.comMy BLOGGER - http://www.blogger.com/profile/08232588804691402284 |
| Tuesday, April 28th, 2009 | | 8:13 pm |
Come over Tomorrow and watch a movie with me! & TOUR DATES
I have Returned safe from my travels to California, however I returned with Poison Ivy! LOL.. O well. Tomorrow night I am going to show the movie "The Future Of Food". We will be doing art and it will also be a potluck dinner. Very casual and just for fun. Anyone may come, just bring a Vegetarian or Vegan dish. I will be doing art most all day, so if you would like to come do art with me and some other friends here at my resort, please do TEXT me - 720 339 7502. My EVENT - This SAT - 5-2-09 @ Ybor City TAMPA-Roosevelt Noon-4pm or so - FREE Please call or text me for more Info - 720 339 7502 Roosevelt - on 15th st between 7th and 8th av, Ybor City, Tampa. ABOUT EVENT: Open Mic, Poetry, Arts and Crafts and much more! This is my first one that I am having here, however I will be doing it every month on Art Walk in Ybor City on the First Saturday. Please bring something to read, a sond to play, some art to work on, or just come hang out! ---------------------------------------- --- The First Sunday of Every month I am starting a ART ON TREASURE ISLAND Event (NEXT) - This Sunday May 3th 3pm-10pm FREE Just like the one above but on the beach! Please come out and show ur support to the local art scene! Come be creative with us. TOUR DATES: (To be placed on my Profile soon) 2009 July 1-7 Rainbow Gathering Nationals New Mexico July 8th-20th Home Tampa (AREA) Florida July 17-18-19 X BASH 2009!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My Clothing-Optional Live-In Artist Community. FLORIDA July 21st-August 22nd Art Shows, Camping, Friends, Love... Denver, Boulder, Colorado Springs and Ft Collins Colorado August 23-31st BURNING MAN Black Rock Desert of Nevada September 1-30 Art Shows, Camping, Friends, Love... Los Angeles, Hollywood California October - ? Home Tampa (AREA) Florida November 1-28 1st Camera for a Documentary on the local Tribes. Montu Pitu Peru. December - ? Home Tampa (AREA) Florida Please Subscribe to my MySpace BLOG - http://blogs.myspace.com/xzanthiaspersonalI post there often videos and Photos! I do not post that often here. ;) I LOVE COMMENTS ON MY MYSPACE BLOG!! |
| 7:19 pm |
My Trip to LA Cali
Well my California trip has been fun. It is almost over. I spent the first few days with my friend Pete and ROXY. Yesterday I did a photo shoot at Roxies wearing some of her costumes. She is packing to go to London next month, she had a huge sale. I got some cool stuff. I interviewed her of some spiritual and esoteric views. I will YouTube it as soon as I get the time to edit it. I made a lot of Video from this trip, just need time to edit. If anyone out there wants to edit my Vlogs for credit please hit me up. I seem to never have the time to do this. I even can give u the program and teach u! lol.. My Brother Keith is Talking about moving out to LA to be closer to his kids. I have not seen him in years. He now lives in Lake Havasu, Arizona. I am feeling, like every time I travel, like i need to get back on the road. Now since I have found places like that which Fabian, Mike and I went hiking the other day, I now know that I could spend a extended amount of time in the LA-Hollywood area. I just need Nature. I need a river. There are so many great tings to do and connections to be made here, however I would perhaps feel that I was never running fast enough to live here. With all my dreams and ambition, being here for to long could drive me insane! LOL.. We went hiking down the river and in caves, it was great but it showed me how out of shape I am and just how badly I really need to get back into the mountains. Its strange because 5 of my Colorado friends texted me this week saying the mountains call and its time i get back out there. I feel it. I know.. I just always seem to have so much on my plate, There is so much life to enjoy. I really wish I would have had the time to camp when I was out here, I would not have even used a tent. I got to hang out with my friend Keith and Nathan from "Bad Acid Trip" again. It has been about 5 years. Crazy how fast time passes. I hope to hang out with them both again today. I fly out tomorrow morning. It was great seeing Keith again after about 5 years. He had changed a whole lot and become a whole lot more conscious. I am very happy to see the direction of his life. He reintroduced me to the movie "The Future Of Food " which I had posted about a year ago and forgot about. Its a great film about what is going on with our food. You should really check it out. Repost it too. Much MORE - PHOTOS and VIDEOS on my MySpace BLOG - http://blogs.myspace.com/xzanthiaspersonalPLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO MY MYSPACE BLOG! I POST THERE SEVERAL TIMES A WEEK WITH TONS OF PHOTOS AND VIDEOS!!! |
| Thursday, April 9th, 2009 | | 1:21 pm |
NEW MODELING PIX and Ybor Art Event INFO!
My Photo Album Here
Yesterday My Friend Melissa and I went to the Roosevelt in Ybor City to be photographed by Blenus. Melissa and I had just finished dyeing my hair a hour before. I am very happy with my new hair colors. I still will be doing a bit more to it. I have been planning to do this for months. It just was a big step because there is no getting this color out of my dreads. So this is my new and pretty permanent look unless I shave my head, which is not at all in my plans. LOL.. I uploaded a whole lot more photos then these, I just chose my favorites to put in my blog. Please click and comment on the ones you like!
I am working a whole lot with the Ybor art community and have a new business partner for our company "All Souls Unlimited" Which is a talent, booking and event promotion/host company. We will be having a office in Ybor City at Arts on 9th. I will be attending the next Ybor art Board Meeting and perhaps joining and getting more involved with that, as I was in Denver when I owned the art gallery there. I feel that I have a lot to offer, and it is about time I start to offer it and get more involved. I am working more with the Roosevelt in Ybor city and I am always looking for anyone that wants to get involved on any level with anything that I have going on. I will be showing a movie that I was in, "Real Illusinary Zone" at the Roosevelt soon. I will have that info up as soon as I have dates. Mondays at 6pm we will be having Production meetings around different venues in Ybor. If you would like to get involved please call/text me - 720 339 7502. I will be more involved with the Ybor City Art Walks the first Saturday Every month. I will be at the Roosevelt hosting a FREE Community arts and crafts day and grow with it perhaps into a open mic, poetry, potluck dinner and more. Any feedback would be great! I am still working with my Clothing-Optional Live-In Artist Community, However I am putting more energy into events in Ybor and having people move in to my resort. $425 a month! Pool, Hot tub, Clubhouse, Free Internet and more! ;)................ |
| Tuesday, November 11th, 2008 | | 7:04 pm |
New art and a new better path.
This above is a painting that I just
completed and sold for $300 to a friend. I have not painted or sold any of my
art in a while, so I do hope that this will be a common occurrence. that would
be nice. ;) It is seen differentially in a black light or as glow in the dark,
as will all my next series. 17"/17". Not a very good photo, It was dark, I will
take another one soon, I just wanted to post something tonight being that I am
back on the net for a moment. The last few days have been impeccably different than
my last week, and even more so then my last 3 months to 4 years. Billy returned
after a week sorting out his head. He said to me that he realized that he needs
to be more sensitive of the situation and our feelings then he has been. We had
a massive talk and at the end I really communicated to him that no matter what,
I do not want to loose him as a friend and would still like to continue doing
all what we have been creating at the resort and with art. When he left, I felt
kind of abandoned. He was cold and distant. He was confused and uncommunicative.
When he returned he engaged in conversation with me of his feelings, thoughts
and goals. He read my blog once he returned and was able to get online. not sure
if he commented, however he did feel odd that i would post such thoughts. I did
feel strange as well, however I needed creative release and this was my release.
So I have not had the time since he returned to be on
the net. I have spent all my time doing art and working around the resort with
him. It has been pleasant. He has discontinued the actions and reactions that
where hearting me. Our communication has been opened back up so we will see
where it goes from here. So far so good. We have planted 3 avocado trees, like a million
pineapples and got a ton of seeds ready for spring. Picking up painting has been
good. I have this last weekend drove him to work and hung out there on a blanket
painting, reading and writing all day. It has been great to make that time to do
things like that. He works at a holistic food booth at several festivals and
such events, so it is a cool place to sit and work as well as meet some new
interesting people. I will be posting photos of my paintings here, if you would
like to buy one please do let me know! </html> |
| Wednesday, November 5th, 2008 | | 9:39 am |
The heart is an extraordinary motivational influence.
The heart is an extraordinary motivational influence. Nov 5th 2008 The heart is an extraordinary motivational influence. What is the motive for the feeling of love or similar sentiments? In primal nature of action and being, I see it bringing together people long enough to take care of each other and a child, then perhaps fading to then merge their jeans with additional partners through out life. I am sure that many of us had been in a relationship when the intellectual experiences sais NO and the heart convinces the mind YES. I believe it all comes down to a chemical addiction. I am not at all demining the act/feeling of love, however I am disconnecting myself enough to step back to dissect it to better understand my own feelings. There are many levels of love, I have felt most of them. Perhaps only the highest form I have yet to experience in its full and secure form. I have been addicted, and over time, moved on. But not without scars. Time heals all wounds, and I do deem that everything happens for a reason. I have learned from each of life’s little bumps. I believe that is what the bumps are for. To further us as a complex organism and emotional/thinking machines. This is a time of life change. Now is the fork in the road in many peoples lives. I have many great friends that are all going through the conclusion of one stage of life, and the start of the next. One friend was here last night. We painted together. We have been friends since age 11. She is in a situation where her and her husband’s minds say no, however there hearts have kept them together since 2004. She cries every day, does not want to go home, they cause a lot of stress for each other. I see both sides. They are mainly unhappy, however they stay together. What is it that makes people react this way? I have been there before, I understand the feelings. Just not the reason. However if I am unhappy I will deal with the pain of the heart to satisfy the mind. It’s hard, and it hurts, the longer you are with someone, the more it hurts. That is why it is best to get to know someone before taking steps, taking it slow. But then your heart hits you with lust, desire and for at least the first 3 months, infatuation, or as I like to call it, the “bunny faze.” It is unsafe to make decisions in this period, however your heart is telling you its safe and to go for it. The comfort turns off the painful memories of the past. You convince yourself that this time is different, and so much better then anything of the past. I have been a bystander of this numerous times. I am sure that you have as well. Many people like to live in this “bunny faze” and head out when reality starts to set in. I, in my mind know that the heart can be deceiving. However it seems to convince the mind otherwise when in the mist of emotion. What is the primal evolutionary reason for this? To keep the tribe together, safety in numbers? So we take care of each other? We are not solitaire animals. Some may try, but it is not in our nature. It is in our nature to pair up, to long companionship and physical attention. I have for years ignored my monkey instincts and kept busy the best of my ability to keep my mind off feelings that distract me. The desire for companionship, love, understanding, a partner and sex, they seem to govern us as a species. People change there paths in life for these. Change there location, career and beliefs. I have seen many people do this and have fallen pray to its grasp many times. The fear of being alone, losing that comfort or perhaps even jealousy takes over. The addiction is heard to brake. However in the back of our mind we feel the excitement of a new path, a new experience and new relationships. However the uncertainty of the future is often too many far too unsure then the situation of the now, which may be in the mind, not what they want, but at least it is known and there is comfort in this. We are complex memory building machines. I believe life is about the pursuit of this information and putting the puzzle of its pieces together to find your true contentment. Its like life throws in all these curve balls to pull you off track, to perhaps separate the different types of people. I believe that we must learn mentally from our past situations and react in the future mentally, and not emotionally. Emotions are both a gift and a curse, wings and chains. How much of this is primal, circumstance and societal? How much of our mentality and emotion desires are instinctual and learned? How much does our past revolutionize our future? I am sure that everyone is different, we all would react to the same situation differentially because of who we are and our past experiences. What makes us? What governs our actions and reactions? Our emotional addictions? What sequence of events, good or bad bring us to the destination that we all seek? How can we truly know what path to walk when the destination is unclear and with each experience changes. Our outlook, strengths and weaknesses and goals change with experiences and those who influence us. These are just some of the thoughts that keep me up at night. That is why life is about the journey, not the destination, and only when you totally accept this, can you find the distention in the experience of livening. These are the thoughts that keep me as a feeling machine, going. |
| Tuesday, November 4th, 2008 | | 10:56 am |
Getting back on the horse.
Getting back on the horse. Nov 4th 2008 It seems as I am forever trying to keep up a journal for both personal reasons and public interest. It’s almost like, my internet people are there for me more then the people actually around me. But truly, this is not true, just take less time to respond in a message then in complex friendship. Besides, I push people away, I know that. So what am I complaining about? Who the hell knows, I am a woman. LOL… I just all too recently one after another went through 2 short relationships. My shortest ever. I am a relationship girl, my flings are even 3 to 7 years, however these where only 2 months or so. It hurts, some times more then others, I am back to not sleeping again. This is common, this is why you see me complete so much. Lack of the desire of sleep means more time for work. I have been wanting to write on a regular basses, I just lack the discipline. I am working on that. I have been in a kind of slump for months now. It’s strange, I have not been in this place since age 16. It is not constant, but does visit me on a regular basses. I feel that perhaps writing again and posting places for responses may be good for me, being that I do not have much human interaction, outside of work, which I am working on, and I kind of like that way. Life is a silly thing, and no matter how much it seems I try to detach myself from it and human emotions, it does seem to smack one in the face. Its strange, when I am in a relationship, my focus changes, goes from working 20 hrs a day to 8 hrs a week of work and the rest on building that relationship. I do feel that perhaps love does get in the way of living, and may be the reason for life. I guess it depends on how you want to live your life. I know that I do not want to live it alone, however, finding someone of the caliber I am looking for that wants to commit.. Well all I can say is.. I’m single. Sooo you know how that is going. It seems as I constantly have to keep myself busy, as not to think to much or to hard on any one subject for to long. Even writing here is a way to put my thoughts in order, I wish I could better organize and understand them. I do need to understand myself and what I want before I can find happiness in someone else, however I don’t want to become to strict in my ideals and have that be more bricks in my already immense wall. I have been painting again, and met a great group of people here in Florida. This pleases me. My friend and last sort of relationship thing I have had, Billy and I have done a lot around the resort and in our lives. But I see that he is moving on. I am not mad, and we will stay friends, I am a bit hurt and not looking forward to all the time alone, but I have no interest in jumping back into anything for at least the rest of this year, if not next. The great thing about this kind of pain is it creates a type of inspiration. When James and I ended, I simply crawled into a cave for months, but being that Billy and I have great communication, I am being constructive with my newly given time, rather then destructive. Let me give you and myself a quick run over of my last relationship if I may. I met Billy at the Blueberry Patch in Gulf Port Florida very shortly after James and I ended it. Billy verbally perused me the first night. I told him that I do not date, have sex or any of that. He then moved into the resort and was helping me a whole lot around here. He on a regular basses pursued me. I was still very hurt over James. James was the first try I had given in several years and he seemed cold and uncommunicative. That hurt. Once I got over James, I shared my bed with Billy. It was still perhaps a type of rebound. I told him that all I wanted was sex from time to time, and we are not committed and that I did not want this to get in the way of our work together. Billy said that he wanted to be more special then that, did not want to just be a lay, wanted to focus on me and wanted me to focus on him. He became upset that I did not want public affection. I told him that I did not want any of that for at least 3 months for me to see if he is still around, because I have been hurt and I wanted to be sure before I gave in. He was very adamant about it, and I wanted a real relationship and was testing him to see if he really wanted me or if I was just a faze till something new came about. Well I told him I was willing to play girlfriend, be public and all that. He then seemed to become withdrawn. I felt like he wanted it when he could not have it, and when he got it his interest waned. His focus started going on different people. and he never wanted to be affectionate with me in public. He would spend most of our out in public time being a social butterfly, hanging out with friends, and getting to know other girls and left me sitting alone. It was getting to the point that I felt like a taxi. However, when we where alone together it was great, we did everything together, talked all the time, read books, went hiking and on pick nicks, yoga, breathing exercise, meditation and more. This made me feel great about us. I do not doubt that he cares about me, but his focus is not on me. And that fine, I am not mad, just hurt. But he is young and still has much that he needs to experience. I knew that from the start, which is why my wall was so thick for so long. This past weekend I told him that if he can not focus on me as a partner and give me the 100% that he said several times he wanted all the time, even when out with his friends, then don’t sleep in my bed every night. I don’t want to feel like he is a live in boyfriend. So he was gone all Thursday to return Sunday, but did not have a ride and did not want me to pick him up. Monday I did pick him up because I missed him and we had some work here to do. He then informed me that for the next 2 nights he wanted to go back out there and hang with his friends and this new girl of interest. So he left last night, when he knew that I wanted him here, it was late and we had to finish laying the bricks. But he wanted to go see his friends. So I am here alone with my feelings. He is out having a good time, and my father wants me to lay the bricks. Billy will be gone all next weekend as well. I before he told me that he wanted to be out tonight and tomorrow night and all day because of no ride, although I could come get him, I did still want to continue seeing him on an informal basses. But after our cat last night, me in tears and him laughing for some reason, then us being cuddly happy but me knowing its over, him saying he did not feel like it was. When he left, this said to me he does not care at all about trying to make things work with me. I do feel like a faze that passed, even tough he said I am not. But there are other things that interest him now more then me and he is moving on. That is fife. As I said, I am not mad, just hurt. But at least he talks to me. He is young and I knew that when I got involved. We will be friends, but I am now once again in the healing process. He did not really want to commit as I did, he thought he did at one point, but he still wants to play the field. I am not mad at him for his choice, I am more mad at me for getting all wrapped up in this, but I have learned a lot and gained a lot from this. I often wonder how personal I should get in these things. I don’t want to call out people in emotion or make them feel bad that I have made things public. However it does make me feel better to get it off my chest. I tend to hold a lot in, and hate to be portrayed as a emotional person or emotionally cutoff, but I’m just human like everyone else, I just am perhaps a little more honest and understanding about it. And writing make it easier to sort out feelings and thoughts. Every door that closes is because there is another to be opened. but sometimes you get ur fingers slammed in the door, and that hurts, but will heal. |
| 9:19 am |
POEM - Love and Lost
Love and Lost Nov 4th 2008 They say it is better to have loved and lost, then to never to have loved at all. But whom had said this, how many times was there heart been slammed against the wall. We rise from the ashes, it is difficult to not wish to become cold after such a fall. I do hold hope, however, it can make one feel quite small. I took a brake for years from this, wishing to not become cold. With my solitude, I began to fold, so I wished to become bold and try love once again. However the fear and pain has made me retreat from this passion of men. This is not what I truly want, so I will simply wait till I find it again. I can not be angry at them, for I should have been the wiser. With little red fags, I should have listened to my hearts adviser. It is true, love is blind, and I wish to find my life partner. I am not one to play games, to call names, or to fight for my affection of him from her. I would sooner let go, then to try to control, my mans true desire. But each time it hurts, I grow weary and I wonder what I did to deserve this, and I tire. Perhaps, I should have not let them in, or asked for so much, I was honest from the start with what I wanted; I don’t wish to be just a crush. I wish to not be a faze, toy, prize or a notch on a belt. Our passion is not something for my lover to boast about. I wish not to be ships passing in the night, I wish to dock, and build a life. Perhaps if I was not so complex, from the pursuit of love I would not wish to retreat. With heat, added stress, I don’t often feel attraction, and yes, I wish not to settle for less, I would rather go it alone then to be in a relationship, mess with no satisfaction. My passion is a fire, needing to be fed, and recently I have fled for lack of attention. I had turned cold, and built a wall, pushed men away or simply wish to stall. This is perplexed and I am beginning to fear more what is next. This is my reaction. I am not truly angry, bitter or burnt; just over time, I have become rather hurt. And with this, each time is a little bit more difficult, just be alert, We must all take fault, to not halt, and once again, learn to flirt. Not sure if it’s worse to loose love barely given a chance, Or love left to linger, root with intense romance. I wish not to curl into this ball and cry over love lost, with watery eyes I look to the light. It is a fight, but this is life, and I know to shut down would not be right. ~XZanthia |
| Saturday, October 11th, 2008 | | 3:17 pm |
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| Monday, July 14th, 2008 | | 8:26 pm |
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| Thursday, July 10th, 2008 | | 11:14 am |
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| Tuesday, June 17th, 2008 | | 12:38 pm |
Tottally Revamping My Life
I have totally cleaned up my website, totally deleting all old content, i deleted every old LJ entry, and soon I am going to clean up my MySpace Blog. I have several other profiles, however I can only do so much. I am cleaning out my old life, ridding things, people and situations that are not a positive influence on my life's course. I will be updating all my thoughts and life doings on my Live Journal. http://xzanthia.livejournal.com/. I will be using my LiveJournal now as a, well a Journal. I will try to post on it several times a week. Mainly for my self more then for others information. It will help me keep my mind in order. I feel very good about where everything is going. I just got my car back and working after almost 2 years. I also am in a relationship that I am very happy with. I have had to cut out some undesirables, mainly men that where upsets with me, 2 of which are not taking it lightly. I have to put restraining orders against them. Very sad that people just cant except that I am happy, and will be there friend even if I don't want to make it more. But they tend to start blaming me like I have a problem because I don't want them. Its kind of silly. I am working a whole lot converting my fathers Nudist Resort, www.NaturallyNude.com, into a Clothing-Optional Live-In Artist Community. I have several events listed on my myspace.com.xzanthia and www.XZanthia.com events pages at the Resort. This comeing Thursday is one of mt Free Community Art nights, and this Saturday is one of my Photo-Art Events. I am not doing another for months because in August X Bash is coming up. http://XZanthia.com,XBash.htm. I am working on that event as well. Other opportunities have knocked on my door, now it looks like I have several TV shows to host. I am working on all this. We will see how it all goes. I was just asked to go on full-time for Prick TV on the Learning Channel. Its a Tattoo show by the owners of Prick Magazine. I am thinking about it and what all that will entail me changing in my life. |
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xzanthia's journal
